Please email Stephen all of your movie, TV, and random entertainment questions: stephenthescoop@hotmail.com
Welcome back to week two of “I Love the 80s” month here at The Scoop, where we are celebrating everything from that glorious decade that we all know and love. In case you missed the first installment, check out the Couple Skate Power Rankings here.
Just like with any decade, the 80s were full of things that were good and bad, but when they were bad in the 80s, they were really, really bad. I’m fully aware that most of that is hindsight, but I was one of the kids who grew up poor, and I would have told you then the same that I will tell you now…that Gobots sucked ass. They were cheap, they were small, and compared to a Transformer, they looked like an Ewok standing next to Chewbacca.
That made me appreciate the finer things in life, even if I only had one Transformer and an empty TV box that I turned into my own Fortress Maximus. You knew that it was Fortress Maximus due to the writing in pencil I put on the side of the box that said Fortress Maximus.
There were countless things about my childhood that kept me in constant fear of getting beat up, but that information leaking out would have been as sure fire a butt-kicking as someone seeing my tighty-whities with blue Donald Ducks on them that were sewn by hand by my Aunt Reta. I’m telling you now that if a picture of that surfaces, I am going on the lam and moving to Canada like a draft dodger in the 60s.
Being poor, though, just meant that when something awesome happened, I really appreciated it so much more. The year that I turned 8, I finally had a birthday party that wasn’t at home with my cousins Chris and Harrell and whatever other friends we could scrape together (I wasn’t the popular kid if you couldn’t tell from my underwear selection) to enjoy some homemade cake and store brand ice cream. Please don’t misunderstand me, those are now some of the best memories that I have, but at the time I wanted an actual party at the skating rink or bowling alley or anywhere that would make me seem like the cool kid that I most definitely was not. So, for my 8th birthday, my mom invited some people and we loaded up the car for a full-fledged birthday at McDonald’s!
Words cannot convey how awesome that was at the time, and how much fun McDonald’s was to a kid of the 80s. To be fair, that may have just been for me, because my dad was notoriously cheap and refused to eat anything fast food, so anytime we got to go out to eat in general it was an amazing event. When I got to play at this place, it always made for a special day. I mean look at it and let its glory wash over you! You got to play outside (skin cancer wasn’t a thing then) and ignore the fact that in the middle of the summer, that solid metal playground equipment could give you 3rd degree burns. The BEST! I will never forget that birthday; it goes down in history as one of the best I ever had, even if I did get another stupid Gobot that year.
So now that I can look back and appreciate the finer things in life, I want to give retroactive awards to some certain things that may have been forgotten. What do I call an award that celebrates the best things the 80s have to offer? The Swayze Award, of course, what did you think it was going to be? Nothing sums up everything good about the 80s better than Patrick mother-effing-WOLVERINES Swayze! His name is forever going on this award, and there is no other person who can even come close, so hat-tip to the Movie Yoda for the idea.
So without further ado, here are the categories and winners for the 1st annual Swayze Awards.
Best Toy of the Decade:
Transformers
Look, they are freaking more than meets the eye, what else do you need in a winner? GI Joe was cool, and He-Man action figures were much better than the cartoon, but when it came down to pure greatness, you cannot beat Optimus Prime and his crew of Autobots. I will admit that this choice is very much slanted to the boys of the 80s, but I am 100% aware of how Cabbage Patch Kids and Strawberry Shortcake are hall of fame toys.
I am aware, but never had any in the house growing up because my sisters are 7 and 9 years older than me. There are definitely other great toys from the decade, like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which I watched religiously on TV and had all of the action figures, but nothing trumps Transformers.
Especially not My Buddy with their catchy jingle or Teddy Ruxpin, which looks cool on TV until you see it talking in person and realize his face/mouth/voice is clearly being maneuvered by the devil.
Best Commercial of the Decade:
Where’s The Beef?
The first commercial that came to my mind wasn’t this commercial, but I do bow to its longevity now. The Where’s the Beef? lady coined a catchphrase that stuck around the rest of the decade and beyond. She was even on talk shows simply because of how popular she had become by doing the commercials. There are several other options from the decade that came to mind for me first, like California Raisins and that pesky Noid trying to make your pizza cold before you could enjoy it. Those are great commercials, and if you ever get bored, then chase the Kool-Aid Man, wrecking shit for 5 decades on YouTube. Nothing can top the Where’s the Beef? lady, and I’m sure she was a huge fan of Patrick Swayze, so she gets the award.
Best Music Video of the Decade:
Weird Al Yankovic – “Eat It”
I am sick and tired of Thriller being considered the best music video of all time. Sure it was good, and sure it was groundbreaking, and sure Michael Jackson was the biggest thing in music, but how on earth can you top this song? Weird Al is a freaking pioneer, who still cranks out great songs to this day, and to top that off he’s never been to court over allegedly diddling children. Weird Al changed the lives of so many adolescent boys of the 80s and made it cool to make a fool of yourself. His Weirdness is a freaking icon and if you don’t like that, then you can eat it.
Best Movie of the Decade:
Road House (1989)
If you think for one second that I’m creating an award named after Patrick Swayze, and not including this movie as the best of the decade, then you are crazy! I totally get that there are movies that you might consider “better” than Road House, and I even had an argument today with our friendly neighborhood 80s guru Jenifer Sutton about it, who maintains that if you’re going with Swayze you have to roll with Dirty Dancing, but nothing is changing my mind on this (even though she tried very hard to do just that). Sure, nobody puts Baby in the corner, but nobody and I mean NOBODY is going to fight on Dalton’s watch, and especially not that greedy asshole Brad Wesley.
This is peak Swayze on top of peak Sam Elliot on top of peak Kelly Lynch, and to top that off, Swayze rips the freaking throat out of a guy AND has sex with a woman against the wall standing up straight! Both of those things are equally impossible if you’re not The Swayze (seriously, try to pull that off and be prepared for your core muscles to jump out of your body, screaming in pain. Stop lying to me, movies, you dick). Did Han Solo ever do that? Did Indiana Jones ever spot a blade on Nazi boot?
The answer is a resounding no! It’s Dalton and Road House for the win, so don’t get a problem over it there, mijo.
Stephen Balding is the Entertainment Badass for The Scoop. Follow him on Twitter at @StephenB_41.
The Scoop Entertainment 