Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer, I have never met the defendant, and I have no proof of any of this is true. That is also not going to stop me from making the case.
When I visit IMDB, it is typically for a harmless purpose like seeing who a random character is while watching a movie, or to remember what year an older movie came out. These innocent visits regularly turn into a rabbit hole of “did you know?” and just surfing through actor pages to see if they were in something I might have missed. So when I thought of this theory, I was ecstatic that I actually had a purpose for spending a few hours doing “research.” Little did I know that I would find much more to prove my theory than I ever bargained for.
My theory is simple: I am claiming that Fairuza Balk turned into a real-life witch while filming The Craft, and subsequently damaged other actors’ careers while on set with them, or kept them from fulfilling their substantial promise.
This theory is something that I had thought about from time to time in passing, but never enough to dig in and see what the scope of it might have been. Now that I have, holy cow do I believe that I am not only right, but I drastically underestimated what I thought she was capable of.
So without further ado, I present to you…Exhibit A.
The Craft was released in 1996 to mixed reviews and modest success. Young girls loved the movie and the cast, and critics thought it was a steaming pile of shit. In reality, it is probably somewhere between the two. It can’t be considered a complete failure since it made $56 million with a $15 million budget, but there are more things to life than money. It was during this time that Fairuza Balk was becoming
Have I mentioned that award season is one of my favorite seasons of the year? I love the competition, the discussions, and especially the politics involved with each movie trying to trash the other. Nothing is more fun to me than smear campaigns that are absolutely worthless to 98% of the world. It’s fascinating to think about someone having a conversation that might entail two old white guys saying, “Oh man, you really aren’t thinking about voting for Cumberbatch are you? Sure he did a great job in the movie, but his face is just way too long to win best actor! I mean come on, ole chap!” (Rings buzzer for secretary.) “Jenny will you send in my morning whores please?”
What is the one thing that could make this frivolous activity even better? Gambling!!! Did you know that you can gamble on most of the major categories? If I’ve learned one thing from years and years of gambling (bad gambling, I repeat I’m a terrible gambler), it’s that nothing makes a random event more fun than wagering money on the outcome.
With this news, I’m here to help you out with the odds and the best bets. I know that I’m a terrible gambler, but there are few things that I am more tuned in to than movies. I correctly picked 8 out of the 11 major Golden Globe categories earlier this month and with that hot streak going, I’m going to double down for the Oscars.
We are going to run through the 6 major categories for the upcoming Academy Awards, the listed odds, and the best bets. The reason we are only picking 6 categories, is that the majority of sportsbooks only have these categories, but if you can find one that has Best Animated Feature, then you can try to place a bet on The LEGO Movie to make yourself feel better about it not being nominated.
The odds –
Richard Linklater – 1 to 6
Alejandro Inarritu – 7 to 1
Morten Tyiden – 18 to 1
Wes Anderson – 22 to 1
Bennett Miller – 45 to 1
Linklater is obviously the heavy favorite here, but this is really a two person race. Inarritu is going to get a late push with his outstanding work for Birdman, and I fully expect the odds to get closer as the awards get closer, but make no mistake, Linklater is winning this category going away. There won’t be a miracle comeback like the one Seattle made last weekend (sorry, Green Bay fans). The best bet to make money in this category is Inarritu closing the odds pushing Linklater closer to even.
Prop bet: You should definitely place $100 on Wes Anderson crying and riding away juggling hacky sacks on a unicycle after losing.
Best Supporting Actress:
The odds –
Patricia Arquette – 1 to 7
Emma Stone – 12 to 1
Meryl Streep – 15 to 1
Kiera Knightley – 25 to 1
Laura Dern – 28 to 1
You are going to notice a trend here with Birdman and Boyhood having the best odds over all of the other pictures. They received the most nominations and are wildly considered the best two pictures of the year, but in this acting category, Boyhood has a distinct advantage. I’m personally excited to see Patricia Arquette win the award; she is such a genuine person and someone who is easy to root for. Nobody else in the category really has the juice to take her down, even after the surprise of Laura Dern getting nominated. I would personally vote for Laura Dern every year if she would only wear the khaki mom shorts from the first Jurassic Park. Those things are next-level, high-waisted greatness. Bet on Patricia Arquette here, but if you’re going to take a flyer on the best odds and a long shot, Kiera Knightley has a chance at a late push for the upset. A very long shot, but hey what do you expect with 25 to 1 odds? You never know what goes through the minds of voters.
Prop bet: Wager all of your money on Meryl Streep losing and then beheading the winner and sucking out her soul. There can be only one!
Best Supporting Actor:
The odds –
JK Simmons – 1 to 5
Edward Norton – 10 to 1
Ethan Hawke – 12 to 1
Mark Ruffalo – 14 to 1
Robert Duvall – 30 to 1
JK Simmons might not have the smallest odds to win the category compared to other categories, but there is absolutely no way he loses it either. His performance is terrifyingly perfect. He not only gave the best performance of his already outstanding career, but if this was an actual sports team, JK is the 1998Bulls and everyone else is this year’s 76er’s. That is saying a lot because the other men in the category all turned in fantastic performances. Well, except for Duvall; he was just mailing it in and got the nomination because he’s Robert Duvall. Simmons might as well be a 1 to 1 million favorite here, with everyone loving his role from critics to fellow actors to musicians who thought the movie was spot on. He’s winning; don’t bother betting on anyone else.
Prop bets:Ruffalo loses this award, Hulks out on the crowd, and Robert Downey Jr. has to break out the Hulkbuster armor to make sure Dame Judy Dench doesn’t get hurt. Nobody hurts Dame Judy; she is a saint, dammit!
The odds –
Julianne Moore – 1 to 9
Reese Witherspoon – 8 to 1
Rosamund Pike – 25 to 1
Felicity Jones – 40 to 1
Marion Cotillard – 60 to 1
This category seems hollow to me when it has been such a solid category the past few years. How can we have a best actress category without Amy Adams or Jennifer Lawrence or MERYL EFFING STREEP. I’m such a fan of Julianne Moore who has put together a remarkable career, but I want to see her win the Oscar in a year where she can put to rest the notion that she is in a second tier of actresses. If you haven’t seen StillAlice, then take make the time to find this movie and watch it. It is rare to find someone who can convey so much with her eyes, and the way Moore plays this character is heartbreaking. She deserves this award and is getting it. I don’t even want to talk about anyone else in this category; I don’t want to jinx it.
Prop bet:MarionCotillard loses the award, hops on a flight to DFW, and knocks on my door for support. Someone please inform her that her soul mate lives in Arlington Texas.
The odds –
Michael Keaton – 5 to 6
Eddie Redmayne – 11 to 10
Benedict Cumberbatch – 20 to 1
Steve Carell – 30 to 1
Bradley Cooper – 75 to 1
Here is the category that you have the best chance to sneak in some real cash on a long shot. For someone who should be the runaway favorite for a category, Keaton has some really small odds. There is a reason, though, and it’s one that might rear its ugly head this year. For Academy voters, as we touched on earlier, it is all about politics, and that is something Keaton notoriously refuses to take part in. If that happens this year, then it’s going to leave the door open for someone to sneak in and take the award amidst controversy. So at 11 to 10 it’s going to be EddieRedmayne, right? Right?
I don’t think so, and I’ll tell you why. Box office returns never equal Oscar success, so AmericanSniper isn’t going to win Best Picture (more on that in a moment), and Academy voters are going to be split on Keaton and Redmayne. So, if Keaton doesn’t win, then I’m calling for a groundswell of support for Bradley Cooper to take home the award. He’s just the kind of guy that old rich white dudes love. He’s handsome, a good actor, and says all of the right things you would expect from a young movie star. If you are going to bet on someone, then take him and make sure to get the odds now before they drop. I’m really, really pulling for Keaton here, but if there is a going to be a shock of the night, it’s going to be Cooper winning this award.
Prop bet:Keaton might legitimately lose his shit on live TV if he loses. I’m not sure what the bet is, but he has the type of personality that is going to lead to great TV. In all fairness he may keep it in check for a few minutes, but if he snaps, then we might have our first Academy Awards Kanye moment.
The odds –
Boyhood – 2 to 5
The Imitation Game – 7 to 1
The Grand Budapest Hotel – 9 to 1
Birdman – 18 to 1
Selma – 20 to 1
The Theory of Everything – 30 to 1
Whiplash – 60 to 1
American Sniper – 75 to 1
I’m sure that everyone reading this is thinking American Sniper is a sure thing to win, but you’re looking at the odds and wondering why it is such a long shot. I know you had a good time at the movies last weekend, but American Sniper isn’t winning the Oscar. I’ll give you a minute to yell and tell me that I’m wrong, trust me I won’t take it personally. It’s not just that I don’t think it is the best picture of the year (it’s not), but history is not on its side. Only two movies in the history of the awards have won Best Picture without having the director being nominated for Best Director. The most recent was Argo, but that was a gross oversight, and Batfleck celebrated anyway by taking down the top prize. The other thing holding it back is the press it is getting, both good and bad, for the subject matter. I’m not here to get into that, but it ended badly for Zero Dark Thirty very recently, and this year is going to have the same result.
This year, Boyhood is the front-runner and I’m not sure anything else is going to chase it down. Birdman is such a brilliant film, but nothing like Boyhood has ever been seen before. It’s such a unique narrative that Linklater was able to pull off by casting the right people who shared a vision and trusted him to execute it. Take Boyhood; it’s the safest and surest bet.
Prop bet:Richard Linklater, a true pioneer and someone who loves the history of film, will give a great speech and then proceed to drink all of the alcohol in California with his fellow Texas pal and Dazed and Confused muse Matthew McConaughey. Alright, alright, alright!
Hey Richie Links, do you have an Oscar man?
Stephen Balding is the Entertainment Badass for The Scoop. Follow him on Twitter at @StephenB_41.
One of my favorite times of the year as a movie lover is awards season, but I’m not sure that there are many other people who share my same outlook. I look at awards season the same way a sports fan looks back on past champions as a way to define what the era was and who defined the year/decade as the best in the business. The sports parallels are everywhere, then and now, and being a life-long sports and movie fan, that competition means something to me when it’s carried over to other realms of my life.
The same way that sports competition and vernacular has carried into my life, movie awards and categories have crept in there as well. For instance, when I’m talking about someone that I want to see romantically, the analogy of “She has the potential to be the face of my franchise” has become interchangeable with “She is definitely leading lady material”.
**Note: I am aware of how horrible this sounds and even though it is never intended as malicious, I won’t attempt to justify it. I’m sorry, ladies, on behalf of men everywhere. You are right, we are mostly terrible people.
This type of vernacular is something that is most likely specific to men, though. and outside of normal conversation, I constantly find myself creating award categories to entertain myself. So in honor of the 87th annual Academy Award Nominations, we(me) here at The Scoop would like to present to you for the first time ever…….The Stephen’s!!(Cue applause)
These categories have a strenuous screening and approval process, which entails, I made them up and I am nominating everything myself. There is one exception this week however; I recruited my buddy Todd, who is the living embodiment of Movie Yoda for a category. As always, he came through with one that I wasn’t thinking about. If you can’t count on Movie Yoda, then who the hell can you count on?
Worst Supporting Facial Hair in a Major Motion Picture
Matt Dillon – There’s Something About Mary
This is more a nod to his willingness to put himself out there in a ridiculous way, but there was never any chance of him winning this category, especially since this was a comedic choice and never intended to be serious. But when I can see this picture and still laugh today, you have earned this nomination. Well done, Matt, well done indeed.
John Cusack – The Raven
Here is a great example of an actor really mailing in an acting performance. I’m convinced that 90% of the time a respected actor has some bad facial hair, it is strictly because he plans on leaning heavily on it for his “performance.” The Raven is a perfect example of Cusack growing (and dying) this thing on his face as the perfect distraction from him not caring about this role in the least. The other dead giveaway is his half-committed mumbling through the line “her innocence was the first part of her soul to die.”
The Ring Announcer Guy – Rocky III
Yes, I am fully aware that this guy has a name, and no, I am not going to look it up…ever. He may even be dead for all I know, but I want to picture him like this forever. This guy was, is, and forever will be crazy mustache guy from Rocky III. He is my favorite part of the movie because he has so much confidence in the mustache that you know he got hired for the role with it. This was part of his real life, and we can only dream to have his swagger one day.
Titus Welliver – Gone Baby Gone
Bravo, Mr. Welliver, this is a tour de force performance of bad facial hair. As a great character actor for the past 25 years, you have probably seen him in several things, but this role sticks out to me, and it is obvious why it does. This is a next-level mustache and the perfect combination of crazy hair choice paired with a good performance. Titus is great in this movie and that almost takes away from that ferret growing on his lip…almost.
John Travolta – Killing Season
It is really difficult to narrow down a Travolta hair performance, which has taken on a life of its own, but this is my narrow favorite. (Coming in a close second is that speck of weird hair he rocks on his chin in Swordfish.) Killing Season takes home the award because he gives a performance that I think was intended to be good. On paper, everything about this movie should have worked, but picturing DeNiro in his trailer after a take, on the verge of murder tears, just gives me endless amounts of joy.
Movie That Would Make You the Most Uncomfortable if You Watch it With a Parent
This category is great on so many levels, and one that made me think for hours. Movie Yoda sent me this category earlier in the week and it sparked so many questions. Actual pornographic movies couldn’t be included on this list, because that defeats the purpose. Obviously, nobody would want to participate in watching porn with your parent. Does it have to be a specific parent? I believe so. I wouldn’t have felt awkward watching a movie with my dad, since he was laid back and we are both men. However, watching any of these with my mom would break the awkward meter beyond repair.
pretty bird studios
All of these movies are self-explanatory and range from “I’ll cut my eyes out before watching this with my mom,” to “murder/suiciding half of my family before turning that on my TV,” and all for different reasons. If I ever saw my mom gawking at Channing Tatum and reaching in her purse for dollars instead of a Werther’s Original, then I swear I’m jumping out of a plate glass window jugular-first.
On the flip side of that, if Original Sin was on after Thanksgiving dinner, and that long and elaborate sex scene came on with my mom in the room, I would feel just as awkward. I don’t want to be anywhere near the same room as my mom when that is on the television. Just having to type this out makes me want to smash my hand with a hammer.
Side note: I am convinced that scene is the reason Angelina Jolie got divorced from William Robert “Billy Bob” Thornton. I know that CGI and special effects are all part of the movie magic process, but there are no effects to that scene. They are straight up having sex and I will go to my grave believing that.
The winner of this category, however, is a movie that you aren’t thinking of, but there is a good reason you aren’t thinking of it. The following anecdote didn’t happen to you.
And the winner is…
I get my love of movies from my mom, and we have seen movies together my entire life. To this day, my mom watches more new releases in the theaters then the majority of my friends…and she is 66. She has a real sense of the movies that she likes, and a history of movies at her disposal that I can always turn to if I have a question about something before my time. As a former teacher and principal, she is not only the smartest woman I know, but she is also wealth of historically cultural information, and never fails to deliver exactly what I am looking for in an answer. So after all of these years, I can tell if my mom will enjoy a movie or not when I see it.
If there is violence, it has to be Man of Fire violence, not Kill Bill violence (she rolls deep with Denzel). If there is too much cursing, then she is 100% out. She doesn’t see the need for the language to be bad to tell a story. If it has Tom Hanks in it, then she might go see the midnight showing. She really does have excellent taste in movies, and just know that when you read an article of mine that involves several curse words or a fight between Oprah and Nic Cage that results in them making a baby that ends the world, it very much disappoints my mom. She certainly raised me better than that, but I can’t control myself sometimes.
So, on this fateful day in May 1994, we were trying to decide what we would both enjoy seeing. We had narrowed down the choices to With Honors (in hindsight the best choice), Clean Slate (The Dana Carvey vehicle), and The Crow. I was 14 at the time, and the only thing I really knew about it was that it was Bruce Lee’s kid playing the title role, and that it sounded like something out of a comic book. That was all I needed, so I really pushed to see it, but little did I know what was going to happen next.
I’m going to make a confession. I’ve never seen the rest of The Crow because it brings back awkward memories, but all that I know is there was a mom doing drugs, some crazy asshole named Funboy, and a scene with more exposed breasts than I ever wanted to see with my mom next to me. To top it off, Ernie Hudson wasn’t even busting ghosts.
It will go down in my personal history as the only movie that I ever walked out of in my life…well, besides Grease on a date once, but that is for another reason and another time (it doesn’t end well).
Good luck to all of the Oscar nominees, and let’s hope that none of them ever end up on this list.
Stephen Balding is the Entertainment Badass for The Scoop. Follow him on Twitter at @StephenB_41.
If you are suffering from a New Year/Holiday hangover and don’t know how you will ever recover, then you have come to the right place, my friend. I am here to spread cheer and let you know that 2015 is going to be the greatest year in the history of space and time! So get rid of that bad attitude and dust off that smile so you are fully prepared for the year ahead! It’s going to be a wonderful year full of twists and turns and surprises and AVENGERS!! So let’s run through some predictions (some real and some fake) for the year that will be.
In a dramatic and strange turn of events, Kim Jong-un, fresh off of The Interview whirlwind, will make a movie which destroys all box office records. It’s not what you’re thinking; he’s going to make the long awaited Friends movie starring him as Rachel, with a hair trend called “The Jong” that sweeps the nation like it was 1995 all over again. (Mainly because he forces the entire nation of North Korea to go see his movie four times and get the haircut between the 2nd and 3rd showing.)
Also, in a strange turn of events he openly supports the Green Bay Packers, so if you are rooting for them this weekend, you are essentially supporting a hated dictator. Suck it, Jamie Kelly!
I know that Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, but don’t you retreat back into your New Year depression because you are single and already thinking about how you will be spending the day alone! I have a fool-proof plan for all the men out there that will help you meet that special someone. With the worldwide phenomenon that is 50 Shades of Grey premiering this Valentine’s Day, all you need to do is take the day off, put on a gray suit, and loiter by the exit door of the your favorite local cinema. You are going to find a date for sure…or get arrested…but either way, you won’t be alone. I’m sure Bruno in cell block C will be an excellent slow dancer and gentle kisser.
In an actual true prediction, this year is going to be the year of the Cumberbatch. Coming off of his brilliant role as Alan Turing in the excellent movie The Imitation Game, and set to star in 3 more movies this year (not to mention the new series of Sherlock), Benedict Cumberbatch is going to be the biggest star in the world by the end of 2015. I honestly expect him to win Best Actor this March at the Academy Awards. He is that good in The Imitation Game, with a subtle and emotional, and even funny performance that I’m not sure anyone else could have fully pulled off.
Granted, the competition this year is weak in comparison to years past, but the one thing Hollywood does well is celebrate stars, even new ones, and Cumberbatch is definitely a STAR. I’m calling it now before the nominations even come out; he wins his first Oscar and becomes the biggest name in show business, which is an even more remarkable feat, because by all accounts he is a genuinely nice guy too. Bring on the year of the Batch!
The summer is sure to be action-packed with Marvel getting ready to receive their license to print money.Avengers: Age of Ultron and Ant-Man are both opening this year, and if Marvel has proven anything, it’s that they have a well thought out plan and have done an even better job of executing it than the rest of the competition (step your shit up, DC).
Marvel is already in possession of the 3rd and 6th highest grossing movies of all time with The Avengers and Ironman 3 respectively, but I am predicting Age of Ultron breaks all of the box office records (even those recently set by Kim Jong-Rachel) world-wide and takes Avatar and those pesky Na’vi down off of the top spot. Then all we would need is 9 more movies to get Titanic out of the top ten once and for all. It’s time to let go, Jack. I know that predicting a huge budget Marvel movie to make a lot of money is not exactly going out on much of a limb. I’m not just saying it takes the top spot, but Hulk smashes it and clears it by a wide margin, becoming the first movie to ever top $3 billion. Billion…with a B.
Buckle up everyone, this is where it gets crazy. You might even want to call your loved ones now. The biggest surprise of the year will occur this fall, with Nic Cage winning the biggest Powerball in the history of its existence. He will then proceed to attempt a purchase of the Statue of Liberty, Alcatraz, and the Liberty Bell. Failing to procure them, he loses his mind (even more) and goes on a plastic surgery binge in attempt look like a cross between real life Ghost Rider and 1984 Michael Jackson. After his transformation, he kidnaps Oprah, takes her to Alcatraz, and points missiles at San Francisco. The missiles turn out to be two Nerf guns and a broken water cannon that he bought from an 8-year-old at a garage sale. Upon discovering that he’s been hoodwinked, Nic turns hostile and Oprah finds herself on the business end of an epic hissy fit, the likes of which have never been seen. Oprah loses her cool and proceeds to give him some of her favorite things in the form of a beat down…”YOU GET A PUNCH, YOU GET A PUNCH, EVERYONE GETS PuuuUUUUnnnnNCHED!!!”
After escaping from the rock, Oprah has Alcatraz burned to the ground on live television with Nic Cage locked up inside. The showing will be called “Tyler Perry Presents: Oprah Winfrey Wrecking Shit on Her OWN.” A maniacal Oprah is screaming at the camera with her back to the island, telling people that she is taking over the world. Little did she know that after many successful surgeries, Nic had actually become Ghost Rider, and he rides out of the flames, chains in his hand, and hits her with all of his might. Impressed by this, Oprah falls in love with him and decides to have his seed…a seed who will rule the world with an iron fist next to her parents, Cageifrey. This conception is going to take place, then and there, on live television. Upon completion of this glorious conception, the world implodes on itself bringing an end to civilization as we know it.
We had a nice run, civilization, but if it has to end, what better way to go then to watch a fight/mating to the death between Oprah and Ghost Rider Nic Cage on live television?
Stephen Balding is the Entertainment Badass for The Scoop. Follow him on Twitter at @StephenB_41.