A Monday morning tradition of mine is to go to work, pour a cup of coffee, and discuss the events of The Walking Dead from the previous night. I read the comic books back in 2003 when they first came out, and the show is just as enjoyable for several reasons, but most importantly (to me) is talking about what just happened, and what you think might happen next.
So, on Monday, the first part of the morning is spent discussing the previous night’s events with my friend/co-worker/Singstar badass, Jenifer.
We have our individual “which main character is most likely to die next” power rankings (my list is 1. Carol, 2. Carl!!!, 3. Tyrese, 4. Michonne, 5. Maggie), and her consistent take from the show always includes her saying, “I don’t care what happens on the show, but if they kill off Daryl I’m going to lose my shit.” Never underestimate what a woman is capable of when she is in love with a bad boy with a crossbow and a heart of gold. Heads will roll if Daryl is ever killed.
These conversations got my wheels turning about what might happen if the apocalypse ever happened. Are there are signs that it’s coming and we just missed them? Which celebrities would survive? Why are there no celebrities on the show?
It makes me laugh to think of Oprah with a machine gun, going off Scarface-style in a field of walkers, yelling, “YOU GET A BULLET! YOU GET A BULLET! EVERYYYYONE GETS A BULLET!!” Don’t think for a second that Oprah isn’t running shit when it goes down.
With Halloween upon us and so many questions and theories to work through, we should work through this together. We need a plan of attack for whom to kill first, and we need to look for the signs that are already there.
I’m not trying to make an apocalypse plan for you that has been done more times than anyone cares to read. What we are doing here is trying to determine what the current version of the world will look like after patient zero bites that first poor bastard in the face. What is the fallout, and who will come out the victor? The way I see it, there are 3 separate questions that need to be answered.
- What were the signs that led us on a collision course to the apocalypse?
- Which celebrities would form the best zombie killing crew?
- Who would be the hardest zombie to kill?
Once we have answered these questions, then you can all sleep better at night knowing that if the zombie shit hits the fan, you at least know this is on record for future generations. Consider this the black box for them to use while unraveling where it all went wrong.
Let’s get started…
What were the signs that led us on a collision course to the apocalypse?
Clearly the signs are everywhere now, but how far back are we willing to go to look?
I’m not going too far back because I don’t want to ruin my childhood completely. The further back that you go, the more depressing it will be, trust me. You don’t believe me? I’m telling you that if I give you an example, it will bum you out. Why won’t you just leave this alone? We can just stick to more recent examples and it won’t ruin your day. Are you sure? Ok, fine, but remember that you wanted this. It’s on you now, don’t blame me.
Let’s think back to the simpler times of 1989. A time when Tom Hanks hadn’t done any dramatic work yet and was still a year away from hosting SNL a record twice in one year. He was just a funny, fun-loving guy who made us laugh with a little movie about him a dog that America fell in love with. Turner and Hooch was so much fun, right? How could you think back to that movie and have it ruin your day with a sign that the world was moving in the wrong direction? I’ll tell you how….
Hooch the Dog died within three years after the movie was released, and has now been dead for 22 years. Did he get his own picture on the “In Memoriam” montage at the Oscars that year? No. Did anyone give him the respect that he deserved? Nope. There was no sad song sung over a video of him, and that, in my opinion, is where society started its downward spiral. Don’t worry Hooch, your life and death won’t go unnoticed in this column. I’m pouring one out for you buddy. RIP!
As hard as it might be to believe, Hooch the Dog is our patient zero of apocalypse signs. Where did it go from there? It’s too long to catalog each step, but from Hooch to Justin Beiber to clowns roaming the streets, there is a long list of signs, each more nightmarish than the last. So instead of sappy videos about pets that have never made you laugh, how about we start paying attention to the dog from Beethoven before it’s too late?
Which celebrities would form the best zombie killing crew?
Finally! Forget about figuring out the economy; someone has needed to get to the bottom of this topic for entirely too long. We are going to answer this by playing The Walking Dead game. You know about The Walking Dead game, right? No? Ok, well The “who would be who” Walking Dead game is where you take your friends, celebrities, or pretty much anyone, and see what role they would fit if you put them into The Walking Dead crew. I like to think of myself as the badass of the group just like Daryl, walking around with a crossbow, but I’m afraid I’d be closer to Carol, the wild card who might end up with psychopath kids running around me that might have to be shot in the face. You should absolutely play this game at home. It is endless hours of entertainment just waiting to be explored.
Quick example of how it works: Of all of the Dallas-Fort Worth media, who would you put as Rick, the leader? Who would be the first to have his or her face bitten off? Who would be the Maggie/Glenn power couple that will stick together until the end?
Rick is definitely NBC DFW’s David Finfrock!
Don’t you think for a second that this mild-mannered meteorologist isn’t painting his face and going on a John Rambo-type warpath when all hell breaks loose. Anyone who has the confidence to rock that mustache on air for this long is hiding some massive zombie killing balls. He is going to wreck shit for sure….“I’m David Finfrock, bitch, and today there a 100% chance of sleeveless shirts and zombie dick punching!”
The first one killed out of the gate is none other than our very own founder and CEO of The Scoop, Jamie Kelly. Sorry Jamie, but anyone that gets owned by a plastic bucket on a random weekday isn’t lasting an hour with zombies on the loose.
The Maggie/Glenn power couple is the most obvious of all of them. Radio hosts and noted BFFs Ben and Skin are a no doubt choice for the post apocalypse power couple.
Killing zombies hand-in-hand during the day and holding each other in the rain at night to keep each other warm, and, if they are being completely honest with each other, because they are scared. Will there be some turmoil? Of course there will, especially when Ben needs some alone time after Skin’s 14th a Capella version of Kool Moe Dee’s “Wild Wild West,” which he is certain would be the apocalypse theme song if they could just find a way back on the radio. But in the end, they are just the two crazy guys to root for through it all. I hope they make it.
So, for celebrities we need one person for each role needing to be filled, and you have to think big picture. No one person is bigger than the group, so it has to be a good fit. Here are all of the roles that need to be filled:
- Rick – The leader of the group who stops at nothing to make sure everyone is safe.
- Daryl – The badass and bad boy who you can depend on in the direst of circumstances.
- Hershel – The voice of reason who keeps everyone from going too far to remember what they are really fighting for.
- Carol– The wild card who comes and goes, but is inherently flawed. You root for Carol, but deep down you know it’s just a matter of time.
- Maggie and Glenn – The couple who finds love in the middle of despair and will do anything to preserve that love.
- Carl – The weakling of the group who is trying to grow into his own, but is being held back.
Now that we know which positions are open, let’s fill them to assemble the ultimate Walking Dead Dream Team.
Rick “the leader” – This is the 2nd most important pick of the whole crew, and the hardest one for me to decide. We need someone likeable enough to gain the trust of the group, tough enough to hold his own, and durable enough to make you believe he could last to the bitter end. The choice…..Tom Hanks!
Of course it’s Tom Hanks.Who else could pull off such range? He is more likeable than anyone else in the world and I’m not sure that it’s particularly close. He has fought in Viet – fucking – Nam, commanded a crew of astronauts, survived for years on a deserted island, and even led a rag tag group of women to a baseball championship. Now that is what I call a leader.
Daryl “the badass” – This is unequivocally the most important pick of the entire group. This is your go-to guy when everything seems lost. He needs to be Michael Jordan-level clutch, but instead of a bucket on the line, it is the lives of people that depend on him. The answer is quite simple, though, and took no time to answer. Matthew McConaughey is the only living person who could pull this off.
Looks good with his shirt off, is next-level talented, and most importantly, you believe that he is crazy in real life. Plus, when there is a quiet moment on the zombie front, you want a badass that might stay sane by smoking a joint naked and unwinding with some bongos.
Hershel “the voice of reason” – Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you the voice of reason, the one and only Mr. Liam Neeson.
I know you’re going to say that he is an action star, and that’s not a bad thing to fall back on, but for a voice of reason you need someone who has the confidence to tell the leader of the group that he is wrong. A confidence that comes with an smooth Irish accent and packing more than just heat. Forget Chuck Norris, give me someone that has a entire website dedicated to his enormous manhood. That is how you roll with confidence.
Carol “the wild card” – Let’s get through this quickly to save time, because nobody really cares about Carol. That’s why this pick is Madonna.
There are several similarities between Carol and Madonna which led me to this pick. Both were more relevant earlier in their careers. Both have a few strengths left, but very limited upside. If either of them left the show by walking jugular first into a crowd of walkers, you wouldn’t be happy, but it wouldn’t take you very long to move on.
Maggie and Glenn “the power couple” – I was tempted to go a few different ways here before settling on the choice.
I wanted to include Ben Affleck because I would love for Batman to sneak onto this list, but that would mean Jennifer Garner would have to be included, and I refuse to put a person on here who has a face like what I picture a duck’s vagina to look like. So let’s go with the next best thing in celebrity couples. Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart. I don’t care how old he is or how much you don’t like her. This is my list and I want Han Solo on it. Suck it!
Carl “the kid” – There is one person and one person only who can take this spot.
The one and only Haley Joel Osment. He freaking sees dead people for crying out loud. I would watch every second of a show starring him as that kid grown up in a zombie apocalypse, having conversations with walkers about mundane things and fucking with Bruce Willis. How do we make this happen? Come on Hollywood, do I have to think of everything?
Who would be the hardest zombie to kill?
Our final question is the most fun to answer, and also leads to a plot point in the show. How has the group on The Walking Dead never encountered an actual celebrity? Did they all die first or are they all hanging around Los Angeles thinking that it’s just an elaborate scheme by the illuminati? What I wouldn’t give to see Rick look over and see Andre 3000 just walking around Atlanta with Kat Williams and a bus load of women. Why can’t that be just a 2-minute deleted scene, Robert Kirkman? Why?
So the premise for my question is, why are all of the zombies equally as hard to kill? You’re telling me that I would be as easy to kill as Ray Lewis? I find that very hard to believe and need to dig into this more. Of all the people in the entire world, whose non-zombie ability would be the most lethal if it carried over to zombie form?
Shaq would be the biggest, but not the most athletic anymore. I’m sure he would be intimidating, but you could get away from him too easily now. LeBron is an obvious choice to impose his size and speed, but that is why he would never be a zombie…or would he? Who is catching LeBron to turn him into a walker? That answer gives us the most lethal zombie in the world. Can you think of who it is? I’ll give you a minute to think…..it’s right there in front of you…….give up?
That’s right, at 6’5” and 207 pounds, Usain Bolt is the world’s fastest man zombie. What would be more terrifying than seeing Usain Bolt screaming towards you with an “I’m going to eat your fucking face off so fast you’ll never have a chance” look on his face? He would see mere mortals as walking fast food chains and we would never stand a chance. I know for sure that if I saw Zombie Usain I would drop a captain’s log in my pants and just start running towards him to get it over with. At least there would be some dignity in getting your face ripped off by him, and in the end all anyone wants is to turn with a little bit of dignity right?
Stephen Balding is an Entertainment Contributor for The Scoop. Follow him on Twitter at @StephenB_41.